Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.-Plato
I count myself with the fools tonight/this morning. I doubt that anything I have to say is worth reading, I'm not even sure if it is worth writing at this point. I regularly have these issues of identity that I struggle deeply with. I would like to hope that this is unique to me as I would not wish upon anyone else this confusion, turmoil, or insomnia. I do, however, know that this is not true and that most all of us question ourselves at some point, and there are many of us who are constantly questioning or position in life, pondering the proverbial whys. I suppose that right now I feel as if I have very little of an outlet, no place to put my questions, no place to find answers.
There is a fly buzzing around that is quickly distracting me and irritating me.
I have been doubting myself lately. I am not sure what I like, where my passion is. I'm not sure I even like theater, yet I want to put my life there? Am I even as passionate about music as claim to be? Do I even know what good music is? Do I have the patience or the dedication necessary to do anything in my life? I think things like this and wonder if I need to start seeing someone again about depression I'm not even entirely sure that is what this is. I just know that at some point I hit a wall that made me realize that not everyone is destined to do great things, to live their dreams. I don't eve know what my dreams are right now beyond having actual friends, and actual circle of people who I am closer to than my own family. I don't even like my family all that much beyond my mother and my brother. I am sick of the person that I could be tormenting the person that I am. This is why I think there is something honestly wrong, something honestly treatable to take care of. Half the time I feel fine, happy with who I am, happy with who I am becoming. The other half of the time I am doubting everything that is.
I was watching tv earlier today and there was a commercial for some depression treatment medication (Cymbalta maybe?) and the first image was of a woman sitting in the dark by herself, and my initial reaction was very strong. I'm not necessarily sure why though. I just felt that that wasn't fair to anyone who's been in that position. Then I realized what they were advertising, but it still didn't set right with me. I just don't know anymore. I guess part of me hates my own weakness, and maybe that is how I am feeling now, but there are so many wonderful things in my life that I am not facing. I have two amazing friends that are new to my life, that I have hundreds and hundreds of miles away from me right now. I'm not sure when I will see either of them. The friends I have here... I don't even know what to say about the friends I have here. I don't know them anymore, which is fair, and it's valid that things work that way. People grow apart, but I also wonder if I ever honestly was part of them. So many people don't know what I was going through in high school, what I was dealing with, what I was stuck in. It was my goal they didn't know, but now I feel like I don't know them... and I feel guilty because I don't know that I want to know them... I guess I am just stuck in a spot where social anxiety is combining with general apathy to leave him in a situation where i don't care to care anymore and it is an ugly disgusting feeling.
The fly is still buzzing around being a nuisance. I swatted at it earlier and hit it, but clearly not hard enough.
Um, as I am doubting myself in many ways I am not going to part you with any words of wisdom because I am certain my words are far from wise.
Love (and I do mean it, Love is hard to come by sometimes.),
Anna
