Snow falls all around
I get older, this house gets smaller
The sights and sounds are the same but none are familiar
Am I changing so much the world has stopped?
The cell is decorated with lights and angels, but there is no escape.
The words fill my head but miss the page
A shaky train will take me where I belong how long must I wait?

It's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death

So, I've done next to nothing to day. Now normally I like days like this. Now I just feel useless. There are so many life changes I want to make but I am not doing anything to do any of it. I mean, yes I moved to Chicago, but since being there, I am not doing anything. I stay in mostly. One of the greatest multicultural centers of the country and I see the same ten blocks everyday.

There's a light on in Chicago...

So, who's missed me? I've missed me, that is for sure.

So I have successfully survived my first semester at Collumbia (in chicago, not in NY). I have lived three months and a half in Chicago without getting mugged or raped. And I am home for six weeks for break. So much has happened that I think six weeks might drive me crazy.

My crazy time in Chicago thus far goes something like this. Moved in that first week and did a lot of exploring with people. Started to go to local shows. Turned 21 at AK (that was amazing.) Hit up some more shows (loving the local scene.) Started making friends, wish I was better at it, but still the friends I've made have been great so far. Then I found out my grandma was really sick and that was a shock we weren't expecting, but things happen for a reason, and as sad as it is to say, I don't think anything else would have brought all the family together. She's not doing well now, and we can only pray that she makes it through the holidays. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and understood when I didn't want to be around people. I spent a week with family, and came back to school a little less motivated to spend as much time out as I had, but I did manage to attend some fabulous shows and have a great time. I went back to BV for halloween which was fun, and then I was thrust into the last part fo the semester. Projects right and left, it seems I had forgot how close Chicago was. Though it did start to get cold, and I lost all motivation to go outside. I manged to hang out with practically no one before everyone went home, and that sucks, but I've got some new babysitting gigs which is awesome yay cash. So all in all I am winding down 2008. Look forward to new posts on a much more regular basis.

And today's Song of the Moment (as selected by iPod shuffle feature)... drumroll please...

The one, the only, the mildly appropriate - Summer Skin - Death Cab for Cutie

Lyrics:
Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the season's change was a conduit
And we'd left our love in our summer skin

I don't really have much to say about this right now. Everything changes with time, the seasons, our feelings, who we think we are, who we thought we'd been. Nothing stays the same, get used to it.

Love, peace and homemade egg nog,
Anna

::ps I apologize for the lack of smexy formatting, I'll get on that later soon (it's a relative soon Like feb-ish I'll have my own computer again and the ability to format much easier. Love me.)

Both a Beginning and an End

You do not define the First Amendment. It defines you. And it is bigger than you. That's how freedom works.

-Charlton Heston

So I have a treat for you all. I wrote this a couple days ago after struck with inspiration. It is very rough, but there is so much more to this story that i would love to tell you over time. Just give me your patience and it will all piece together over time. I do feel morally inclined to inform you though that this isn't strictly a creation of my imagination, but actually a growth of a relationship between characters that were not all of my conception. I only wish i was creative enough to have spawned the fellow you are about to meet. - Anna

“Do you love him?” The question rolled smooth and cool from behind a familiar smirk.

“Of course,” she pouted. She resented that he would even be so audacious to ask.

“Do you really?” He pressed further, not because he necessarily doubted the girl’s devotion (the fact that he did had nothing to do with his asking,) but because she got so flustered so easy. His arms crossed over his chest as he relaxed languidly against the painted cinder block wall of the hallway. He noted the unusual fact that they were alone but didn’t take his eyes off the pink flush that was rising in her cheeks with her irritation.

“Yes,” she toned forcefully. She knew she should just walk away. She shouldn’t take the bait, that’s all this was. He liked to get her worked up. He was just setting her up for his sick amusement. He wanted her to yell at him, to call him names and make a scene in front of their classmates. That’s what he did as long as she’d known him. That resolved it. She would walk away. He wasn’t saying anything anyway. Just looking at her with those dark calculating eyes, who knew what he was thinking anyway? She sure as hell didn’t. She met his eyes in one more hopeless attempt to better understand him before adjusting the strap on her shoulder.

“Are you sure?” He’d waited until she’d turned away. So close to making that grand exit. He held up one long finger to silence her as she rounded back on him, the tension rising with a breath that was meant to fuel one of her most precious tirades. “Before you raise your voice, I would advise you against it. Not because I’m not rather fond of the vocal range of you rage, I actually am, but I think you should look around first.”

She looked down each length of the hallway under his advice though still rather perturbed that he continued to question her on how she felt about anyone at anytime. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for among the alternating blue and orange lockers, but she was certain she didn’t find it. There was nothing to be seen. She glared back at him but caught the volume of her voice. “And…?”

“Who did you see?” He asked an amused look dancing in his eyes.

She glared back at him. She hated him for enjoying her this way. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? “No one.”

“Precisely. There is no one out here to hear us speak, to eavesdrop, to assume more is going on than there really is. Nothing more than a civil conversation between peers, right?” The smirk that curled on his lips spoke more than his words, but she said nothing. “You start screaming at me, each and everyone of those doors is going to open up. Not only will you be disturbing all of these young minds hard at work learning, you’ll have to explain why you aren’t present in your French class right now, won’t you?”
She stopped and let this process for a moment while looking down the hallway again. It was true that he had caught her at a time that most were in class, but it was unusually still for it being a school day. Where were the other skippers? And the students sneaking off to the bathrooms for a cigarette?

“I suppose you don’t want to get caught out of class either, do you?” She smirked up at him feeling triumphant to have caught him in a moment of desperation as well. “Maybe I’ll yell anyway. Get us both caught. I have nothing better to do than detention. How ‘bout you? Make you late for your father? He wouldn’t like that would he?”

Her triumphant glow was amusing enough that he let out a bark of a distant laugh. “I told you, I would prefer it if you were screaming, yelling, and trying to berate me. You are much more creative than the other girls when it comes to insulting me. I enjoy it. And if you want to yell, by all means, go ahead, but I won’t be joining you in detention.” He unfolded his arms to cross them the other way and smile at her.

“Why not?” She eyed him suspiciously. “You have a valid reason to be cutting class and tormenting poor, defensless girls in the hall way?”

“You are anything but defenseless,” he shook his head as if the very idea was rediculous and he was dismissing it. “And is speaking with me so bothersome that you consider it torment?”

Look Like a Lush, Talk Like A Tease

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." ... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve been living in Chicago for just under a month now. There have been plenty of times where I have felt like sitting down and writing. To work through my emotions, to fill a boredom, to expand creativity. I wanted to share my wisdom of the moment with all of you, but alas it certainly appeared that whenever I felt like writing for you I was out of an element that would allow my to leave my thoughts for your pondering. There were moments that I did go so far as to hand write in my journals. Now many feel that handwriting is a dying art, and it is. I HATE it. If you had to stare at my penmanship that long, you would too. Typing is so much neater, and easier to fix. I was almost to the point that I would have enjoyed a typewriter. (Actually, I frequently prefer typewriters to word processors. Your mistakes are never gone without some amount of evidence.) Hopefully soon, I will be in possession of a shiny new macbook. Then I am sure you will be hearing from me much more.

Now the reason I cannot grace you with my wisdom of yore, is because my opinions are quickly shifting. For a while I was caught up on a song lyric from The Maine that had me thinking for a while at how many misconceptions there are between genders.

“Girls do what they want, boys do what they can.” – ‘Girls Do What They Want’ - The Maine

This idea has also been reinforced to me by more than one of the male gender of our species telling me that girls have it so easy. I am assuming I missed that day in “How to be a girl” school. You know, they day they taught us that you can apparently flirt your way to anything you want because you have boobies. Even the way you supposedly don’t even need to flirt, just be there and I have heard I am supposed to have it so much easier than any guy in there. Now this has also been reinforced by the fact that one of my closest friends here has been on a mission to flirt her way to a discount in a comic book store. Now I don’t doubt that she will be near successful in this endeavor, and maybe I’ll just need to watch closely and pick up some pointers. I don’t know what it is that I must be doing wrong, because every time I’ve walked into a bar, a store, a club, a party, anywhere, I have needed to go way out of my comfort zone to even get people to talk to me. And, unlike a very small percentage of girls I know, I cannot walk into a bar and walk out with a phone number and a potential date. So, unless I am doing something wrong and my observations are entirely off, I think it is this small percentage of sirens giving everyone the wrong impression on how hard it is to put yourself out there.

My advice to all of you, don’t be afraid to approach someone, the worst they can do is reject you before they know you, and in that case are they worth getting to know anyway? I truly believe that so many times, we are all too afraid to approach, so sometimes it is facing those fears and stepping out there you never know what might happen.

And here I was not going discuss this with you all. I guess it was still much more on my mind than I realized. Now onto a point I was intending to make today.

Something I have noticed lately is how much attitude can make a difference. Now only my attitude is in my grasp. I can dictate how I feel, and that is it. If you are going to be in a bad mood, there is little I can do to change that if you don’t want it changed. But I do think that there is a communicable property of a smile. And I bet there is evidence somewhere to proving that even making the effort to smile actually does make you feel better. So I am issuing a challenge. Smile at strangers. Now do so with discretion. Not that everyone doesn’t deserve a smile; it is just the interpretation that might be problematic. Don’t go smiling at the shady looking folk lurking at night. Don’t be afraid to smile at the people you are passing on the street, or the ones waiting for the train with you. It will make them feel better, and in response, you’ll feel better. It’s crazy how that works. Who knows, you may even be the highlight of their day.

See if you can’t make three people smile today, and make it five tomorrow. You’ll feel better, they’ll feel better, and maybe it will spread even farther.

Song of the moment: No News Is Good News - New Found Glory [lyrics]
[I really get the feel from this song that sometimes, in a world and society that is flooding us with everything that is turning out wrong in the world, we should take the time to step away and live our own lives, because ultimately, that is all we can do if we want anything to happen.]

Take my chances with truck stops and state lines

So my three day weekend road trip adventure has come to an end. It had it's ups and it's downs. Planning wasn't entirely the best and as much as I love the company I had to death, there really is something to be staked in the saying 'the more the merrier' who ever said it was probably referring to spending lots of time together non-stop. I had an absolutely great time, we didn't get rained on once, I have a nasty sunburn (second degree) only on my nose. I have way too many new t-shirts way too many new cd's (is there such a thing?) Not enough pictures, but memories that will last a life time. Bruises that will fade in a week, aches and pains to be gone even sooner and one pair of totally rad heart shaped glasses. Once I figure out how to get pictures from camera to mac, I will grace you all will so sweet ass shots.

Love, Peace, and Rock and Roll,
Anna Louise

Explain to me this conspiracy against me

Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

-Plato 

I count myself with the fools tonight/this morning. I doubt that anything I have to say is worth reading, I'm not even sure if it is worth writing at this point. I regularly have these issues of identity that I struggle deeply with. I would like to hope that this is unique to me as I would not wish upon anyone else this confusion, turmoil, or insomnia. I do, however, know that this is not true and that most all of us question ourselves at some point, and there are many of us who are constantly questioning or position in life, pondering the proverbial whys. I suppose that right now I feel as if I have very little of an outlet, no place to put my questions, no place to find answers. 

There is a fly buzzing around that is quickly distracting me and irritating me. 

I have been doubting myself lately. I am not sure what I like, where my passion is. I'm not sure I even like theater, yet I want to put my life there? Am I even as passionate about music as claim to be? Do I even know what good music is? Do I have the patience or the dedication necessary to do anything in my life? I think things like this and wonder if I need to start seeing someone again about depression I'm not even entirely sure that is what this is. I just know that at some point I hit a wall that made me realize that not everyone is destined to do great things, to live their dreams. I don't eve know what my dreams are right now beyond having actual friends, and actual circle of people who I am closer to than my own family. I don't even like my family all that much beyond my mother and my brother. I am sick of the person that I could be tormenting the person that I am. This is why I think there is something honestly wrong, something honestly treatable to take care of. Half the time I feel fine, happy with who I am, happy with who I am becoming. The other half of the time I am doubting everything that is. 

I was watching tv earlier today and there was a commercial for some depression treatment medication (Cymbalta maybe?) and the first image was of a woman sitting in the dark by herself, and my initial reaction was very strong. I'm not necessarily sure why though. I just felt that that wasn't fair to anyone who's been in that position. Then I realized what they were advertising, but it still didn't set right with me. I just don't know anymore. I guess part of me hates my own weakness, and maybe that is how I am feeling now, but there are so many wonderful things in my life that I am not facing. I have two amazing friends that are new to my life, that I have hundreds and hundreds of miles away from me right now. I'm not sure when I will see either of them. The friends I have here... I don't even know what to say about the friends I have here. I don't know them anymore, which is fair, and it's valid that things work that way. People grow apart, but I also wonder if I ever honestly was part of them. So many people don't know what I was going through in high school, what I was dealing with, what I was stuck in. It was my goal they didn't know, but now I feel like I don't know them... and I feel guilty because I don't know that I want to know them... I guess I am just stuck in a spot where social anxiety is combining with general apathy to leave him in a situation where i don't care to care anymore and it is an ugly disgusting feeling.

The fly is still buzzing around being a nuisance. I swatted at it earlier and hit it, but clearly not hard enough. 

Um, as I am doubting myself in many ways I am not going to part you with any words of wisdom because I am certain my words are far from wise.  

Love (and I do mean it, Love is hard to come by sometimes.),

Anna